Heart Letters
by Coolez
Summary: After a recent expedition, Mikasa went missing; whether she even returned alongside her troop was still in question. At the same time, they found a stack of letters hidden in her dorm; all to Eren Jaeger, but never sent. When reading them himself, he finally understands something - something he never, ever did.
1. Chapter 1: Young Soldiers

Eren sat on the floor of the males' dorm, gripping a piece of paper tight in his hand. Next to him was a pile of similar folded-up paper, stacked messily. The room was dim in light, though it wasn't too bad - the beds were all laid about in symmetry, across the wooden floor the room was made of.

The Survey Corps had just finished their 60th expedition beyond the walls - and while most have claimed yet another chance to continue their lives, a lot of them didn't. They were sacrificed, dead. Their lives were taken and devoured by those larger beasts that haunts each soldier's dreams ever night: the titans.

And one person, one person whose strength could top many others, was not found. She was gone, completely, without a trace. Not a drop of her blood was discovered, not even a part of her body was retrieved. It was as if she vanished into thin air, not even a sign of her being eaten by a titan.

She was Eren Jaeger's adopted sibling; she was Mikasa Ackerman. And the pile of paper sitting next to Eren? They are her's - her's, meant to be given to Eren. When she wasn't with them when they returned from the expedition, someone had found these letters under her bed in the dorm; and were delivered to Eren by Levi himself, who, while showing no emotion, bears a heavy heart.

The boy held the paper tight, sighing before opening to reveal it's content - on the cover read the name of the recipient and the date it was written, and as for this one, it seems to be written back when they first became trainees, which was years ago. He slowly and carefully eyed the letter he held, before reading it out to himself.

"_Dear Eren,_

_I don't usually write to people… especially not you, because since you're my brother, I don't have to write to you to tell you anything, I could just tell you everything right anytime. But since mom died… you… you've been so different. I guess you're doing this for the best, so I'm not going to judge on anything. So I've decided to write to you, so I could tell you everything that happens, and everything that you miss out, okay?_

_Today was the first day of our training, wasn't it? You did well, I promise! I'm sure there's a reason why you kept falling - there should be something stopping you from succeeding. And… while I cannot help you, I hope someone could, eventually. I know you'll become a great soldier, greater than anybody in our unit, greater than even the greatest out there._

_Remember when you were so determined to join the Survey Corps back then? I understand why now… and I'm not going to stop you anymore. No… in fact, I'll follow you there, too, if you haven't changed your mind on wanting to join that division. So please… don't tell me otherwise. I don't want to lose another family member of mine. I want to stay as close as I can with them. I want to be with you, Eren. You're the only family I have left. I will do anything for you to be safe._

_I'm sorry that I sound clingy, I'm sorry that I sound annoying… but I'm selfish. I have nothing left to live for, but you. So please, let me protect you Eren. That's the only thing I could think of when I see you in trouble, I don't know why. _

_Also, I don't know if you noticed, but I cut my hair as you've told me to. I don't know what to feel about it, but I guess it doesn't matter anyways. Don't worry, I'll keep the scarf secured with me no matter what happens. And when the day comes that you need it back, I don't think I'll hesitate to return it back to its owner._

_I hope you will be well with the training days that will come day after day - while you are training to be one of the very best, I suggest that you don't push yourself too hard. If you get sick, then how are you supposed to train after that? I know you're strong, but if you can't do it… don't. _

_Remember when you saved me when we were kids? I… while you told me to not ever to think of it again, I want to think of it. Because it was the first day we met, the first day you gave me this scarf, and the first day.. someone saved me from death. Someone taught me something very valuable._

_I promise I won't cry anymore when I think of parents. The past stays the past, no matter what we do, it has already been written with ink that cannot be erased. So… I'll move on from it. Because now, I have you. _

_Thank you Eren. I owe you my life, so now it's yours. Use it for your own sake, I don't care what happens to me. No matter what, I know it is worth it. I know that this is something I could do to repay the debt I owe you from those years ago. Don't worry, I'm not doing this just for you. I'm doing this for myself too._

_If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even be here today. It's not a joke; I wouldn't have thought of the military if it wasn't for you. Of course, it was a choice with no regrets. So it's not your fault that I'm here, don't worry. Just promise me that we'll do this together; you, me, and Armin! We're going to be the best soldiers among everybody else!_

_This is my first time ever writing to anybody, so I'm sorry if I sounded like… I don't know, bad. As if you're ever going to get to read this anyways… I'm going to bed now, goodnight Eren. Take care, and prepare for tomorrow!_

_Mikasa Ackerman"_

Eren slowly folded the paper back through the faint lines, bringing it to his heart. He held his tears back well, but his eyes were shiny, noting that water has already tried to force itself out.

"She… why didn't she just tell me…" he whispered to himself, placing an arm on the forehead. "Nothing else to live for, eh." he laughed emotionless. His eyes fixated on the ceiling of the room, as he put the piece of paper on the other side, gently. He positioned himself more upright, eyeing the fresh pile of paper on one side.

"She just kept… she." the words couldn't escape his mouth, caved in and unwilling to be let out. He couldn't describe what he had just read, how the girl that wrote it would waste her own life for him. She was not even blood related, she was just a girl he had met when he was nine.

Just a girl… that he had saved when he was nine. "I promise, I promise." he sighed quietly, remembering the last few lines of her note. He smiled softly; she had an ambition that clashes with his, only hers was much different, much more selfish. Much more… focused, on him.

His faced returned emotionless as he fished out the piece on top of the stack, written on the date that cries their training days. He stared at the paper. What would she have written this time?

* * *

(A/N: Mikasa was 13 when she wrote this letter, or that is what I assume. It sounds kiddish, because while writing this, it was kinda switched to my perspective of her feelings towards him.

Next chapter comes out either the next hour, or tomorrow, or Monday.)


	2. Chapter 2: Future Warriors

(A/N: It will still not end~ Next chapter either tomorrow or a few days! And thanks for the reviews ;-; I appreciate them!)

* * *

He gripped the piece of paper tight in his hand. The sun was still blazing outside the room, noting the fact that their expedition didn't even take half the day away. Its bright rays shone inside the dark room, making it as if it was brightly lid.

He looked at the wall of the room, noticing the hanging pictures there. What's more, the emblem of the Survey Corps, the Wings of Freedom. The wings that they acquire the day they step into this division, the day they swear to not hesitate to sacrifice their lives for the sake of humanity.

His gaze then shifted to the door.

"If she's found… he said he'd come get me." he sighed, impatiently waiting for the presence of a man. His heart raced in anxiety: what if she's never to be found? What if… she's gone forever?

He shook off these thoughts, convincing himself. "I'm sure she'll be back soon, it's still too early to be scared." he laughed to himself, reassuring that his adopted sister will be back somehow.

He glanced at the paper in his hands a moment, slowly opening it to reveal it's content - it was longer than the last that he had read, and was dated back when they were in training… but at least a year's leap from the last one.

He took a deep breath before reading it softly, to himself.

_"Dear Eren,_

_I haven't written to you for a while now, how are you? I know you didn't even get my last letter, but it's okay. I'm not planning to give it you, not yet. I know training's hard, and you're putting your whole heart into it, but please don't push yourself too hard. You'll be fine, I promise you that at least. _

_Today's training wasn't so bad, was it? I saw you slicing off the cardboard titans' neck swiftly and smoothly, which I assume was your objective of today's course. I just… don't understand why you were so angry of it afterwards; I asked you, but you wouldn't tell me. Why? I'm sorry for all these questions, but I just really want to care for you… because you're one of the person in this cruel world I would be able to care for now._

_Remember that time you were fighting with Jean in the lunch room? You both were really stubborn; what if one of you got hurt? What if Instructor Shadis caught you two in such a battle? Even after a near miss from the instructor, why did you two carry on? If you got hurt…_

_In a year time, we're going to graduate from the Trainees Unit, and I can't interpret my own feelings - happy, excited, anxious? Or sad, scared and lost? I don't know. What about you, Eren? I'm guessing that you're fired up and ready to choose your own path and go to the outside world, right? Or have you changed your mind?_

_No matter what, though… I'll follow you there. I want to be a part of you. I'm sure Armin's doing the same, by the looks of it. If you end up going to the Military Police, I'll try my best to get myself in there too; but please… no matter what, don't put your life on the line. I don't know what to do if I find you lost from this world._

_What is the first thing you want to see when you get to go outside? From the way Armin had told us when we were younger, I would love to see the sea with no end - it sounds really interesting! Salty water… so we get unlimited salt? I hope we get to go there, it'll help humanity a lot, don't you think? What about you, Eren? Do you want to see the sea of fire, the lands of ice first? It… it doesn't really matter once we get to go… right?_

_Promise we'll do it together, alright?_

_Back to the present._

_So we're having another hand-to-hand training tomorrow, right? If Annie gives you some more trouble, you should tell me. She… by my point of view, keeps tossing you off the ground. I don't understand - if it hurts, why do you stand up and let her toss you again? And why do I feel bothered when you laugh at that? Why do I care if you want to practice with her?_

_I'm sorry for asking so many questions - it has become a habit. Not that I'm going to get any answers, anyways. _

_Make sure you wake up early tomorrow! If not, Sasha is probably going to nab your breakfast again, and you'd have to continue with an empty stomach. While I'd voluntarily stop her, it's pretty much impossible to keep her from reaching any edible objects. Get enough rest… because lately, I've seen you being a little… off. I just can't bear seeing you like that, I don't know why. Try not to get scolded by the instructor… again._

_Also… again, I thank you for the scarf. It really saved me today - I almost fell down, and it somehow got tangled with my hands… which brought me back with balance._

_I know I don't really show any emotion… it's because, I don't know how. My face doesn't change, but inside… I want you to know, even if you do little things for me, I'm smiling. Just that… I forgot how to show it. I'm sorry… I'm so, so sorry._

_I wish one day, you could teach me how to smile, how to laugh again. One day when you find out about this letter; and that's one day that might never come._

_It's really awkward for me to write like this, right? I know, if you actually got to read this, you'll be a least amused. _

_I think my letter ends here. I have so much more to tell, so many questions I need answers to. But I guess I'll save them all for sometime later, sometime later when I understand it thoroughly. Please… don't burden yourself too much, that is all I ask for, now. I'll trust you._

_Mikasa Ackerman."_

"Amused?" he laughed sarcastically, a single tear dropped from his teal eyes. He wiped it off quickly, sniffing. "Right." he forced a grin, placing the paper above the previous that he had read.

He stood up and walked to the door. He slowly opened it, to see if there's any sign of the man coming to fetch him - and expected, it was a no. Outside was the plain field, patched with uneven cut grass. The wind swept past for a moment, before he closed it again.

Eren sat against the door, feeling that his heart began to worry even more. What if she really…?

It's still too early to think of that, right? They'd sent a retrieval team outside with the best defenses, at least he had the littlest shine of hope left that one of humanity's strongest soldier survives long enough for that particular team to fetch her for her return.

His thoughts suddenly wandered to the scarf he had given her. "I-it was just a scarf.. yet." he stuttered, looking up with no emotions. He sighed, feeling cold. "She treasures it so much." he mumbled, smirking partially.

Eren stood up from the place and walked back to the pile of letters.

Maybe he should understand her more.


	3. Chapter 3: Tomorrow's Knights

**Note: ***shrugs* I hope you all don't mind, because I'm think of… perhaps another 3 or 4 chapters, before I call it an end.

* * *

The time was ticking away, yet no news have rung into Eren's ear. He waited patiently, holding the next letter in his hand, hoping that Mikasa would return before his curiosity pushes him to read further. Each time he glanced at the piece of paper, he felt an urge to read it. He wanted to know what she'd write this time, he wanted to know ever so badly.

But is it right?

And… is it wrong? It was written on the cover, as large as it could get, '_To Eren Jeager',_ but… what's written in of the previous ones that he had read seemed to be more personal than he'd imagine a letter might be.

Maybe that's the side of Mikasa he had never noticed.

"I didn't really know what kind of person she was before that day… do I?" he asked himself, later shaking his head. He sighed, wiping off sweat that has emerged from his forehead, that is as cold as ice now. Never had he been this worry, never had he been this worry _for that girl. _

"When I see you again." he smiled. "I'm going to know more about you, I promise." he looked at the wooden door again, reassuring himself once more that the girl he's waiting for is more than just fine.

He would have joined in the search himself; but the Commander had ordered him to stay behind, while leaving him with a pile of letters one had found, meant for him. He didn't question how they had found it, and why didn't they just leave it as it be. Why had they chosen to give them to him?

Eren couldn't bear any longer.

He stared at the letter he held in his hands. The date of the letter read sometime not too far away, but it was not near; it was written on the night before their graduation from the Trainees Corps, the night before they announce the Top Ten of their unit.

He took a deep breath, opening it. As expected, it was longer than the last; probably because the tales this time are longer. He then proceeded to read it the way he had did for the previous two letters - out loud to himself.

_"Dear Eren,_

_Again I haven't written to you for so long; and while I see you everyday, it feels weird not to ask how's your condition. I thought I might find this a good time to write a letter to you, because this is our last night of being trainees. Tomorrow, we'll have to be prepared to choose our life's next step, our new path._

_Are you really sure of the Survey Corps?_

_Don't get me wrong, I have no doubts at all in your abilities. You did well in the subjects, and you passed the test just as expected. Just that… are you sure of choosing the Survey Corps? Judging by your test marks, you've earned a place in the Military Police; which by far, is the safest branch to be in._

_I know if I actually told you this in person, you would be screaming at me, telling me that I don't understand. I understand. I know why you want to be in the Survey Corps. I really do. We've been through the same pain together, we've watched her… Never mind about that. But it doesn't feel right in my chest, whenever I think you'll get into trouble inside the Survey Corps. It hurts to worry about you, it hurts more than getting hurt physically during training, it hurts more than that day so many years before._

_So if you're going to the Survey Corps, I'll come with you. I'll support you by your side. I'll try my best to protect you, like the way you protected me when we were younger._

_I'll try my very best to do at least one tenth of the deed you've done for me those years before - saving me, teaching me._

_I'll never forget of those days, no matter how painful they were. Because this world has both its cruelty and beauty - somewhere, deep down everything cause, every matter, every bad fate that occurs, something beautiful will spring up from it. The consequences that I was forced to take… they led me to you. And then you led me to so many things I have never known of before that."_

At that point of the letter, Eren felt his eyes water again. She was worried of him, and she was willing to give everything away, choose the same path as him, just to protect him. And what did he react with? Nothing near relieve, that's for sure.

All this while, he had thought that she'd only doing this because she's having fun, treating him like her younger brother, who's weak and need someone to take care of - but he was wrong. She wanted to do this… because of what he did that long ago.

She wanted to put her life on the line, take the road that she didn't plan to take, all because of him.

If he hadn't read what she had written, he would have been fumed, knowing that she is trying to treat her like her own younger sibling. But with this in his hands, everything was different, and they were all so different suddenly.

He got a hold of himself, continuing his reading.

_"So before tomorrow comes, before we officially become a whole new person, I want to say… thank you, again, for saving me that day. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if you never did… I might have been dead by now, right?"_

The word 'dead' caught his eye. His hands and legs trembled, inside he struggled to keep himself still. He braced himself, keeping whatever feeling of doubt inside, and continued reading.

_"So… thank you, Eren. Not just for saving me, but for giving me a home. Giving me something I could achieve in life. Giving me something that, at one point of my life, I thought I had lost forever. Without you, I wouldn't have met Armin, nor everyone else here, would I?_

_The Survey Corps…_

_An honourable yet dangerous branch, where death can just come in a flash. I remember how you could never stop talking about them when we were kids; now we have the chance to become one of them ourselves, right? I'm sure… we'd fit right in. We'll survive together in the Survey Corps; you, me, and if he chooses, Armin - and whoever else who decides to join. We'll all be into this together._

_Tomorrow's the day. Not that we have to make our decision right after the graduation ceremony, but that decision have to come soon after that anyhow. Just remember, no matter what you choose, I'll be there to support you. And before you misunderstand me once more, I'll say this: I'm not doing this just for you, I'm doing this for myself, too. I want to stay right by your side, right by the only family member I have left with me. And whether you like it or not, you'll have to bear with me._

_Today was our last briefing, our last official 'training' - even though instead of swinging around fighting cardboards again on our 3DMG, we were taught the last of what we needed to know about the titans - again they reminded, that begging for mercy won't change anything. Only the will to fight lets the prey to survive on._

_That got me think, though. Are they the prey? Are we the predators? Or is it the other way around? I don't know; how do you feel about this topic? My heart guessed the answer… one that anyone would have expected. _

_But have you any thoughts otherwise? While my mind craves for the answer, I cannot find the path to actually ask you for the guidance. My thoughts would vanish and form a new whenever I see you; it's a hindrance, but I could not prevent it. I couldn't…_

_I think… I'll end this one here. I feel a lot more relieved after writing to you. It's as if… everything is just lifted off my chest, you know what I mean? Normally… I couldn't get any words out. But while I write, my mind just speaks by itself, I only write what I screams out to me. And while once more… you might never get to read this, at least, I've said it. If you ever get to see this one day, I hope… I hope you at least understand what I've said here. I hope, I wish… that one day, if I'm ever gone, please continue living. The world needs you. _

_This cruel world needs a hero, you._

_Mikasa Ackerman."_

Silently, Eren laughed. Him, a hero?

With these words coming from her, he'd already realize something he never had once before.

That without her, how is he even going to be called a hero?

* * *

(A/N: I'm not planning to include any canon events besides those that were already in the anime; so most probably the last canon event to be included is the fight between the Rogue and Female Titan. ;~; Also, sorry for the chapters being short *cries*)


	4. Chapter 4: Heart's Recovery

The time was wasting away, with no sign at all of her return. Sure enough, it hasn't been that long since he had started rambling through these notes of the past. But he couldn't feel anything else but worry.

Eren did the same to the paper on his hand; folded it, and placed it to the stack where the letters he had already had read are. The sun's rays passed through the two windows of the room, noting that at least an hour or two have passed since he walked in here, since the search begun. And every minute, every second that pass, he could feel his heart speeding up.

The boy finally stood up from the corner he sat, dragging himself to the door. He figured he might as well go and check outside, one for speeding things up if he could; two, for distracting him from reading further. At this point, he was blur. She never meant to let him see these letters, yet wrote his name there. What was her real purpose?

He eyed the untouched letters on one side. He wants to know more, he wants to know everything he never did. But he couldn't decide whether it is the right thing to do or not.

Eren walked up to the door, reaching for the knob. He wanted to leave the room, even if it's only for a while, to check if there were any signs of them returning from the retrieval mission. He sighed, ready to turn the knob and go out to the sun.

Just then, a knock came.

It made his heart skip a beat; was he back with news? Has Mikasa and some others who weren't back with the team been found? All those thoughts filled his mind as he struggled to open the door. He was shaking, so he made a simple move hard.

But when he opened the door, it wasn't his Lance Corporal standing there, it wasn't his adopted sibling, it wasn't anybody else but one most familiar face, holding a cup of dark brownish liquid in his hands.

Blonde, golden hair of medium length, paired with two blue eyes of the colour of the sky, noticeably shorter than him - Armin Arlert, rather, his childhood friend. One of the most precious to him, one who shared so much memories with him. One that he'd be ready to die for.

Why is he here?

"H-hey Eren." he stuttered. He took a few steps back, noticing that Eren hadn't had his usual, determined look on his face. Eren's eyes widen for a moment there, before he opened the door wider, inviting his childhood friend in. Armin hesitated; he was unsure whether he should disturb Eren at this phase. But even though reluctantly, he had to do so.

Eren kept his quiet, he barely said a word when Armin stepped in. The place was lit with only the sunlight, so it wasn't as bright. The blonde boy set the cup on the nearest nightstand, before confronting his friend again.

"Are you even supposed to be here?" Eren asked, almost sounded cold. Deep down, Armin knew. He wasn't himself. Those papers lying on the floor there - they might be the reason. He didn't want to question his behaviour, so he decides to just play along with it.

"Until the Retrieval Team arrives back, we are free for that period. So I thought… since I hadn't seen you around since we got back, I might as well find you." the shorter boy answered with a slight smile. Eren stared at him for ever long, before deciding to reclaim his seat at the corner of the room, next to the letters. He took the cup that Armin had placed on the nightstand, taking a sip without caring if it's even meant for him.

He put the cup back down and sighed. He took the next letter and glanced at the ceiling, then back down at Armin.

"Armin." he started, catching Armin's attention. The shorter blonde looked at him, startled by his sudden call. Eren paused for a while and opened the letter in his hands. "I'm blind." he closed his eyes, sighing again.

The blonde boy looks at him, dazed and confused.

"Eren, you're not-" Armin broke the silence, only to be cut off by his friend. "That's. That's not what I meant." he looked at him with a slight smirk on his face, although his shiny teal eyes already contrasted his true feelings at that moment.

"Mikasa, she…" Eren threw a smile that he had forced. Armin ran up to him, knelling down on both knees beside him, with eyes wide open. Eren looked at his friend, handing the piece of paper in his hands to the blonde. Armin, unknown of his motive, accepted the piece, though question marks were flying around his head the whole time.

"Please, if you can…" Eren said, not even trying to look at his friend. He was playing around with his fingers, full of distracting thoughts. Armin didn't need Eren to finish to know what he had wanted him to do.

"It's not mine, I can't do it." Armin quickly added, shoving the paper back to Eren. The brown haired boy looked at the blonde with emotionless eyes, not accepting the letter. He then looked at the ceiling, frowning.

"Please… judging its date, we all could figure what had already happened when she wrote it."

Armin looked at his friend; then back to the letter. A second later, he nodded and sighed, giving in to his friend's request. The blonde boy sat down properly beside his friend, opening to the content of the letter, reading it out word by word.

_"Dear Eren,_

_It hasn't been too long since my last writing to you, no, it has only been a matter of a few days. But I… I find the need of writing to you. So many things happened in such a short while, I don't know what to think anymore. I'm confused, I'm afraid even._

_I was so close in losing you._

_When the Colossal Titan appeared behind Trost's gate, I wasn't there to help, and I'm sorry. I couldn't help but feel guilt until this date. When you were ordered up to the front lines, I didn't want to let you go. It was far too dangerous, and I felt like I had to go with you._

_But you wouldn't let me._

_That hit you gave me sure hurt, but I knew you did that for the best of everyone involved right then. So… I'm sorry. Sorry for not thinking ahead, sorry for being so selfish._

_But.. you promised that you wouldn't die here, didn't you? That was… that was enough at that point._

_While I was in the rear guard, all I could think of was you. It was troublesome - but at least it fueled my mind, at least it gave me the strength to fight. Occasionally I would fix the scarf I wear, and I'll remember what you did for me those years ago. What you thought me all those years ago; those painful memories, transmitted into the strength I needed to battle on._

_I met an abnormal, running to the gate. it was fast; but I forced to be faster. It was killed, but I dulled my two blades. It was a heavy lost, I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to survive and see your face again. _

_When I saw a mother and her child, I thought of that day - It was not intentional, I swear. But… it was as if my mind wanted to remember. It was as if… my brain was trying to tell me something I wasn't aware of._

_Then… I got to Armin. He was stoned, he was in the state of shock. I couldn't help but worry; he wouldn't speak to anyone else around him, nor would he stop staring at the roof he was residing on. To be honest, I was nervous to ask what happened, and why was he the only one there - No, I was more than just that. I was afraid._

_And that became even worse when he announced the deaths of the member of the squad he was assigned to. My mind went blank, my heart was clustered up. Yet I chose to play cool and act as if there was nothing wrong with me, then saying ridiculous things in front of our every other comrade. _

_Then I flew off ever so recklessly, towards the headquarters where supplies could be found. My mind then only had one message - If you don't fight, you don't win. If you win, you live. If you lose, you die. That was all I knew that time._

_But those useless emotions had to interfere._

_I wasn't myself, and I noticed. But I don't know why I never stopped myself from being overpowered by those stupid feelings. I've lost you, it's the end. The end of everything._

_With those thoughts clashing into my mind, I fell down midway. Two titans emerges, and I was ready to let them have me. Then I realized something, something really important._

_If I die, I wouldn't be able to remember you anymore._

_It's funny, I know. One minute I was getting ready for 'suicide', then the other I would grab my broken blade and charge into a beast that is ten times larger. Well then, miracles happen._

_One of the titan punched the other, crushing it endlessly. It was a frightening sight, no less. My heart felt as if it jumped out of my chest. A titan fighting a titan - now that's a first. That abnormality… it was so interesting._

_Armin grabbed me to safety, then that silly boy volunteered to be left behind. How's that going to happen? I've lost you, now I'm going to have to lose another? No._

_He's a smart boy, only that he haven't recognize his own abilities. _

_Because that plan he devised later on worked like a charm. We got to the headquarters, defeated the titans inside and refilled our gas, ready to go back.  
_

_And guess what we saw?_

_That abnormal that saved my life just a moment before dropped dead, hot steam endlessly emerged from it. Then a shadowy figure popped out of its neck, a boy._

_An ever so familiar image._

_It was you. It really was. My heart raced, not in fear, nor in horror anymore. I couldn't really interpret it myself. My feet magically carried me down to where you were, and when the sound of your heartbeat rung into my ears, I finally understood - I was relieved. You were back, you were there, alive. I did whatever else anyone would do._

_I cried._

_With Armin, tears endlessly flowed down my face while everyone else was watching - but what was there to care at that moment? You were alive, and that was all that mattered to me at that point. I didn't lose my last family member, he's still here, his heart was beating._

_It felt like forever, then it ended abruptly when the members of the Garrisons took you - and us - to one corner. When you woke up, you seemed so… so blur. Like you didn't know what happened before, what happened during the attack. You were murmuring words that sounded deceitful, as if they were forwarded to mankind - but I think I knew what you directed those words to._

_When they asked if you were a human or a titan, I was raged. You were human, that I could agree on. And you answered just likewise. But then again, would they even believe us?_

_The cannon shot they fired made it rather obvious, don't you think?_

_I thought it was the end of us there, then again confused when you bit you hand in such force and speed that it bled. It happened in one blink, but I saw it. You were trying to protect us in a way I couldn't comprehend until I saw its outcome._

_It wasn't a pretty outcome, either. One look, I was in fright. But then I saw you… I saw Armin. And my heart comforted. _

_You then told me about that basement of your house - right, I've heard you father mentioning it, but I never thought I'd show any interest. Until, of course, when you said that there might be secrets about the titans, I sort of… got into it. I wanted to know why, I wanted to know how._

_And I wasn't even a bit doubtful when entrusting our lives to Armin - as I've mentioned above, he is a smart boy. What could possibly go wrong, right?_

_I'll be lying if I said my heart didn't miss one beat. It's not that I don't trust him, but in this kind of situation, who wouldn't panic? When Dot Pixis came around, I… well at first, I was dazzled, shaken that he might bring us to our ends instead. But rather… he stopped us from dying a second time. I felt so… relieved. Like we've just crossed over a giant gap successfully without tripping, falling down into nothing._

_When he asked you to prove yourself, my thoughts mixed together._

_You probably hadn't known of your powers yourself, what more now that you have to use them for a task that you're to be assigned to?_

_But all that ended well, that we keep in mind._

_Trost was back in our hands not long after, and I was glad. Humanity has taken a step forward, hasn't it? At least… not another flock of them is going to lose their home to the titans anymore. At least… they're okay now._

_But what happened in between, you did not know._

_When you first turned into the titan again, you did what other titans do. You attacked us human, you attacked… me. I know I covered that up with an obvious lie, but what more could I do? I don't want them to hurt you. When you tried to harm me, I was scared. Scared that even that you did not die, you've changed into something else that was not yourself._

_You seemed so different from who you were. You were as if you were one of them; and I was afraid. Afraid that.. you're not Eren Jaeger any more. When you tire down, t__hey wanted to leave you there, they wanted to just let you be stranded while you're inside the titan's body._

_I don't want to._

_Thank god… Armin came right then. He saved you. He done what I couldn't have. To this date, I feel so… so ashamed. I feel like I owe him everything. Armin, he… he fixed the whole situation, the one that I failed to do myself._

_When Trost was finally ours again, it wasn't the end. There were still titans in the city, a lot of them even. And as one brings us close to our death, someone appeared. Someone appeared and saved all of us._

_Lance Corporal Levi._

_My first impression of him: Good. He's strong, he's worthy. But what he decided later on made me change my mind._

_He took. They took you. To a dungeon, or.. that's what I heard. I was very worried, and I still am worrying now. What are they to do with you? I want an answer to it. I want to know. All I had confirmed was the corporal's name, and believe me, relying on that brought me to nothing at all._

_I hope, I pray… you're alright. Eren. Please be okay. I'll be waiting for you, I'll be waiting for you to come home. While this letter I keep for myself until that day you find it, I find writing all of this out… is useful enough. I hope, if you ever read this, you'd understand… and not blame yourself for any harm's doing. It was all my fault, I wasn't there. And when I finally was there, I was of no use._

_See you soon,  
__Mikasa Ackerman."_

While Eren's eyes were practically raining, Armin's wasn't less in the emotions. He was crying along with him, after reading what that came from their friend's heart, the things she wanted to tell, but she had never.

Armin clenched his own fists, standing up. He handed the piece of paper in his hands back to Eren, then walked towards the door, and for a slight moment there, he turned back with a heavy grin, before walking out without another word said.

Eren knew what he meant by that. She was giving others too much credit for her own work, that's one. He eyed the remaining pile of letter that he hadn't read. Droplets of water kept leaking off his eyes. He hadn't read more than half, yet he is already crying like a baby.

Fed up, he tossed the paper he held to the pile that he had read.

"See you soon, eh?" Eren wiped the tears off his eyes and chuckled. He nods his head softly, tilting it up to give himself the view of the ceiling.

"See you soon, too."

* * *

(A/N: In case you're confused: This letter happens after the Battle of Trost, and before the court scene where Levi beats Eren up. That is why Mikasa wants to see him soon. Also, sorry for the grammatical mistakes here and there; English's not my first language, and sometimes I become really confused on how I should use this and that *cries*)


	5. Chapter 5: Steps to Freedom

**Note: **Inaccuracy may happen. I did not re-watch the show when writing, and there was no summary of the arc found, so it was mostly what's in my memory. Sorry for the inconvenience!

* * *

Ten good minutes has passed since Eren stared at the ceiling, and about that much that since Armin left through the door with tears in his eyes. Still nothing. No news, absolutely nothing but a gust of wind whirling in from the gap between the floor and the door every few minutes.

Eren sighed, lowering his head down and reached for the next letter.

Just then, someone came crashing in through the door. The figure was indeed taller than Eren himself, not by too much, but still. He had hair of the colour brown, though much lighter than what Eren had.

"Jean?" Eren inquired, pausing his movements towards the next letter. Jean Kirchstein. A comrade, a friend, or rather, someone he'd regulary argue with before and now.

The boy was panting, half-squatting with indication that he'd came in rushing urgently. Sweat was literally dripping off his forehead, and the look on his face made everything else worse. Eren stood up and walked towards him.

"What the… Jean?" Eren stared him, dazzled by his sudden appearance. Jean fell down onto the floor, his heartbeat slowly calming down. He sat there leg crossed, hugging himself. He still said nothing, however.

"Answer me." Eren's impatience grew, and before he knew it, he had knelt down and grabbed the other by the collar. Jean closed his eyes and choked, and only that was when Eren let him go.

"E-eren." he coughed, he stuttered. The taller boy sat down, cross-legged. His facial expression unchanged; full of worries. Eren finally understands - he's here to ask about Mikasa, something that right now, Eren himself wants to know about.

That boy sitting before him; he knows. All those years, those looks, those talks, those sudden change of personality when she walks by - he'd gradually noticed it. As dense as he admits himself to be, Jean had made his affection towards Mikasa so clear that only Mikasa herself might have not realized it.

As guessed, Jean asked the question that has been swimming around in Eren's mind since the first letter he had read, "How's she?" Jean looked up, clearly still panicking. Eren shook his head and sat down in front of him, hugging his knees in his arms. He buried his face into the gap between his body and his legs, then sighing.

If he had knew, he would have tell. He would have screamed it at the top of his lungs, he would let everybody know. He would not be able to keep it in, because his mind would automatically have him run around the whole field screaming the fact that Mikasa is alright.

But he doesn't know.

Jean stood up with a pale face, eyes twitching. "How could you not know? You're her brother for crying out loud! She cares about you literally more than she cares about anybody else! She risks her life just for you, I'm so freaking jealous of you for t-" he screamed, though cut short when Eren abruptly awaken from his position and bump his head against the taller male. For both sides, the pain was there.

"If I knew how she was, I would have told you. I would have told everyone. Nobody in our division has yet to receive any messages of her, Jean. The Retrieval Team is trying their best, and I'm putting all my faith on them." Eren clenched his fists together, eyeing the floor that's made of wood. He gritted his teeth, frustrated by Jean's approach.

For a while there, the room was silent. The sun outside was covered up by clouds, though no sign of the day ending just yet. This, however, has caused the room to grow to a darker stage than it previously had been.

"If I knew that'd happen… I would have tried to prevent it." Eren finally said, crushing the silence. Jean calmed himself down, blinking slowly. Eren finally looked up and continued, "She has always been so strong, and she made me feel… as if protecting her is no longer a necessity. But when I take my eyes off of her for a single second, that's it, she magically disappears."

Jean's mouth was fell agape slightly. Eren was dense. What he said just made him even denser. The feel of needing to protect one, the importance. How could he not understand anything?

"If you don't need anything else, then leave. I have more important things to do than to be hearing your wails." Eren coldly stated, walking back to the corner where the stack of letters lied. Jean's gaze followed Eren, and curiosity filled him.

"What are those?" he blurted out. Eren took a quick glance at him before situating himself back to the place he once sat. He grabbed the supposing next piece and unfolded it, not batting the taller male an eye. Jean then stomped his foot.

"I asked you: What are those?" Jean asked, loud and clear, with a side tone that indicated that he was annoyed. Eren refolded the paper he held and said without their eyes meeting, "Mikasa's writing. Guess you don't have to leave anyways, because I need you to check this out."

Jean, being a curious as he was, walked up to Eren. He knelt down beside him after getting the body language from Eren that he should do so. Eren then passed him the piece of paper, written with long content, to the male beside him, half-smiling.

"This… better not be a joke." Jean opened the letter and scanned his content. Rare as it was, he spotted his name. The letter was not meant for him, but he spotted his own name, and he was urged by his inner self to have its content read out.

Eren gave Jean the green light, or rather, just a nod. Eren knew that typical look on Jean's face. Mikasa mentioned him, or rather, Mikasa mentioned him _on paper. _He's Jean, and anybody who's likewise as him would feel just as excited.

_"Dear Eren,_

_I'm so glad they had not did anything horrid to you or your body. Honestly, while I write right now, I'm laughing in the inside, harder than any other time I could actually remember of. We've made it this far now, we're all members of the Survey Corps. And soon comes our first expedition beyond these walls.  
_

_You're far from me, or at least, that's to my view, but I'm really curious if you're exicted. What am I thinking - of course you are. You've been awaiting for the moment to step outside these walls since I first met you, right? You really are a strange boy… and I don't mind that. While others want to cave in and live in peace, you would want to rush outside, take the risks of getting freedom. _

_That's… what makes you special among the others._

_I don't just care for you because you're my brother, there's another reason to that. I mean, a lot of us are special, take Armin for example - he's smart, and his goals are not far from yours. There's Jean, who when first came here only goal was to get into the Military Police and live a safe life. Something made him change his mind and get into the Survey Corps, though, but I think it's for his best._

_I don't regret having him in our team at all, even if all those times he'd argue with you. I couldn't stand you two arguing, I really can't. When I break you two apart, you'd either scream at me for interfering or Jean would scream at you for a reason I don't find visible, or even both._

_But I guess I'm getting used to it, anyways. _

_Right, I got sidetracked. I hope you don't mind if I ever do so, because there are so many things happening in the world everyday, it could all fit in a book whole, a series maybe. There was once a few years back, two or three months after that 'incident' in the woods where I was taken to… a book. When you took me to visit him for the fourth time since I've known him, and you doze off somehow, he read me a book. Written when the outside was titan-free._

_It was of a boy, coming from a wealthy family, he had literally everything he had ever wanted in material, but even if he was given the most expensive of them, he would reject them. He wanted one thing that his parents forbade him to have; freedom._

_So one day, dressed as a peasant, he sneaked outside his own home with money he thought he'd need, and nothing more. He'd firstly go 'round the town he stayed, greeting and meeting friends and acquaintances. _

_Alas of that, he went further, around the world, maybe. Most of the story… I'm sorry to say, I've forgotten. But he did achieve what he wanted in the end. And… do you know why I like the story so much?_

_It's because that boy is quite similar to you._

_Throughout the whole session where Armin did the storytelling, my eyes would take glances at you, because that boy reminds me of you somehow. Gosh, even his image at the front cover resembles you. But the most similar was your mindset and his. _

_Freedom._

_Sure, you didn't have the need of sneaking out of your house, you might have not need to go around smiling at everyone. But you're this close to your dream. And I can't help but… remember everything of the past._

_Back to the point, be prepared for tomorrow - I know you will, and already is prepared. But… outside, anything could happen, anytime, anyhow. I however, trust the commander's words. His plans. I… have a bad habit of giving everything a small feel of doubt, but his plans… there are no words to describe them._

_Today, also, Jean grew up so much… or he grew up a few days ago, and I only saw it today, but he'd changed. The way he had stepped into the Survey Corps; it wasn't with pride. It was with honour. The way he had let the cape on the back fly with the wind told me that he had found a reason for all those years he had been with us._

_I'm glad._

_To be honest, and I'll be at my very, my first impression of him… wasn't as bad as I had had on some others. Then he put on a fight with you… which disturbed me more than it supposed to, and my view on him abruptly changed from good to bad, then bad to worse. I never did get tired of separating you two, though. It was fun while it lasted, seeing that I could have actually stopped two volcanoes from erupting._

_Though if one day comes that… I'm no longer able to tear the both of you apart when you two battle, promise me. Stop before somebody gets hurt, stop before one of the officers comes in and sentence any one of you punishment. Stop before anything presumably bad happens._

_Please, promise me that._

_Alright, this letter ends here! I have to make it short, because even though I don't really like our Lance Corporal, he's still our superior anyways, and because his orders were for us to take rests and prepare for tomorrow's journey, I will listen for once. For the sake of everyone out at the battlefield, because each and every one of us is counted tomorrow. One lost could mean millions._

_Remember Eren, be well. You're finally getting what you want, and I'm happy for you. I wish I could tell you this is person, though, but… I'm still afraid. I don't know why. Well… maybe that mystery would end one day._

_Till then,  
Mikasa Ackerman."_

As the paper was folded by a pair of hands and thrown to the pile of the read letters, Eren swears that he'd seen a tear slip off Jean's eyes. Or maybe more, but the dark atmosphere of the room makes it slightly harder to see.

"I… better be going now." the taller boy stood up and headed for the door. Turning the knob, he stepped outside and glanced back with a smirk.

"Sorry, Eren." those were his last words before the door closed, and Eren was the only one left there, dazed. The boy grabbed the next piece of paper from his side and sighed, smiling along.

"Shouldn't I be the one who's… sorry?"

* * *

(A/N: I apologize a million times for being around a week late on updating! The 'book' I mentioned about Armin reading when they were kids were made-up, noted~)


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